Batrep - Battle of Samsat 854BC or Ever had one of them games????

Ever had one of them games when you wish you hadn't turned up?
Ever had one of them games when have had a lot more fun spending all day doing the ironing and washing up?
Ever had one of them games when absolutely nothing went your way at all?
Ever had one of them games when your second in command on the day and your views as to how to set up were totally ignored by your king?
Ever had one of them games when your proved right all along?
Ever had one of them games when your in the bad books with the Mrs coz, this is your third wargame in ten days and she had to cancel her pal and her family coming around for dinner so you can play with your silly soldiers.........Yes?.............then read on my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes I was just a little upset!
So let the tale of woe begin.................

Unusually for a Battle Report I'm going to start this one and the end. For myself and the third in command BigLee, the end of the game was we picked out the ticket to be the underlings of King Surjit, before the game actually started!!!!!
Now I wouldn't say I'm the best strategic genius in our little group of sad patsys and I definitely wouldn't put Surj anywhere near the top either. For some reason he just wouldn't listen to our thoughts or reason, on how to set up. All we had to do to win the game was protect and not lose the fortress city of Samsat. We suggested forming all the close order infantry next to the city, with the Chariots and cavalry out on the left flank, harassing whatever was placed there. We had troops in the city so all bases should be covered. But alas NO, was the answer, so the Hittite King Surj the Doughnut got his way and we not only lost the Battle but also the city of Samsat.
The Assyrians - King Richard, Prince Fran, Smiffy and Dave.
The Hittites - King Surj, Prince Ray and BigLee. (See Lee's write up of the game)

 My set up, King Surj announced all bar three of the close order foot would 

protect our left flank???

 Our centre and right, made up of mainly BigLee's Chariots and skirmishers.

 Our camp, that's me Prince Ray in the chariot, we had to throw for what 

type of leader we were, I was the only loser to throw a one, so let it be 

known, I was the only buffoon!!!

 King Doughnut troops, Sorry King Surj's troops, the brightly coloured 

shields in the centre belong to our Guard infantry, to their left is our 

Guard Chariots with King Surj in the middle.

 The Rotters

Myself and Lee were horrified to see their setup, and we knew were where beaten before

 a dice was even thrown!!

 Look at all that infantry on the wrong side of the table??

 The Assyrian camp and skirmishers, which were facing my infantry.

 The Assyrian left, Their Chariots cavalry are on their left. Following 

down the line are their Guard and heavy infantry.

 Big Lee's chariots, fat lot of good they were!!!

Dave's  Assyrian skirmishers advance.

 Seeing what was facing us, myself and Lee wanted to advance 

and try and make a game of it, our request was denied.............

 What was in front of us??

Now I'm getting annoyed!!! I know for a fact that git Fran took loads of 

pics of my exasperated face as I couldn't believe our Kings decisions.

 The only meaningful units facing my infantry, two units of Smiffy's Light/Medium infantry.

 With a bow unit in front for cover.

 Breaking the Kings wishes I sent two LMI out to counter 

the skirmishers heading for my flank.

 Fran's Assyrian Chariots advancing towards the city walls.

King Surj just out of shot has moved a unit of chariots out of the city and is 

moving them up to the column of Fran's chariots on the hill

 Oh Crap, Assyrain re-enforcements on my left flank, don't worry 

they're only Camel munchers!!

 Smiffys only good unit, facing my and Lee's mass of troops, 

who are still standing picking fluff from their butts!!!

 Prince Ray, soon to be King Ray.

 Oh look??? Were still standing in the same place...........why? I here 

you ask............"for the right moment" according to King Surj??????

Utter disbelief ensues...... from both sides I might add!

 The Assyrian King, Richard the Magnificent and his troops.

 The Hittite left, one of my LMI takes a pounding from Smiffy's

Skirmisher fire. Then fails its morale test and has to stand disordered.

 My other LMI charges the skirmisher bows and trounces them. 

I pursued and hit the Javelinmen behind and another melee ensued, 

which was indecisive.

 Assyrian Camel munchers...or are they??

 The Rejects 

L to R, Smiffy (West Ham fan), Richard (looking excited), 

Fran (just chucked a spear), Dave (glove boy), 

Postie (GM), Surj (the doughnut) and BigLee (Sighing What could've been)

 Long shot across the table, this just about tipped me and Lee 

over the edge, its difficult to see but King Surj has just chased away 

Fran's chariots on the far hill, only to discover another Hittite army behind the hill, 

waiting to attack!!!!

 Don't care anymore..........

The chariots set up to face each other.

Camel munchers they are not!!!!

More like King bloody Tiger Tanks!!

When one of the Camel archers fired for the first time we were all stunned 

at the amount of dice they threw, other units on average were throwing 8 D6 needing 6's. 

The Tigers were throwing 24 D6....YES 24 dice, what the hell's going on here????

 Die Assyrian scum!!!

And they didn't!

 Die Hittite scum!

Which they did!

 Assyrian skirmishers, the Tiger tanks can just be seen behind.

 The Hittite camp, I should have stayed in there, had a beer,.......

chilled a little.........maybe visited the harem.

 Charge!!!

 King Richard's Chariots were defeated and pushed back.

 We'd had enough now, it was getting boring, so myself and Lee moved 

everything forward, much to King Surjit's disgust!

 Another charge of chariots, once again the Assyrian King was defeated.

 But it was all too late.

 Big Lee's Chariots.

The table at the game end. Soundly beaten, the Hittite troops abandon the city of Samsat to their rivals, The Assyrian's. Later that week King Surj was found hacked to pieces, his son and air Prince Ray took over the throne of the Hittite Empire and will live to fight another day.